Flying Solo

I guess I signed up for this, so I can't complain.
But just so you know - if Slice ever dies and we have children, I will be remarrying just as soon as I am able. Call me insensitive. I do NOT want to be a single mother.

A couple months ago, a former teacher/ward member approached me to ask if Slice and I would be willing to babysit overnight while he took his wife on a romantic getaway, to celebrate their anniversary. I said I thought that would be fine. This family has six energetic boys, the youngest barely a year....but I knew that Slice would be done at the golf course by then (hallelujah!) so we would be all right. He IS better with children than I.

We talked about it and decided to go ahead and try.

A couple weeks ago I reminded Slice of our upcoming adventure, and discovered that he was planning to play in a St. George golf tournament the same day. (We have some work to do in the planning department.) A pretty important one, too. But I was not about to back out of a commitment we made months ago.
Slice: "It will be good practice for you!"
Me: Glowering. "Good practice being a single mom?! Don't ever say that to me again."
(I have some work to do in the meekness department.)

And so it was that Sunday afternoon I arrived, pillow and clothes and a secret stash of chocolate to assuage my sense of coming doom. I knew from our get-acquainted dinner that the baby clings to mom, #5 climbs on the table,#4 can pick his nose with his tongue, #3 and #4 look almost identical, and that the noise level in the house is not generally below a dull roar.

It started within an hour.

The baby was sleeping and #2 decided to play the piano loudly.
Me: "Please don't play the piano, L is sleeping."
#2: continues to play
Me: "Don't play the piano please, you'll wake up the baby."
#2: ignores
Me: "#2. You want to watch the baby for the rest of the day?"
#2: plays even louder. "Sure."
Me: "I don't believe you. Stop."
#2: still doesn't stop
I went to the piano, pulled his hands off and the lid closed. He fought me while I held it down. Then played again when I left the room later.
(The baby woke up.)

Later, #3 came in and pulled up his shirt, showing deep red scratches on his back which came from #2. When I went downstairs #2 started throwing blocks at me and at his brothers, which resulted in wrestling matches and crying. (Pretty much everything in that house results in wrestling matches and crying.) But I didn't yell until dinner, when #2 threw FOOD at #4, who threw it back. And still the only thing I could threaten with was "you won't get a snack tonight." The snack on schedule was ice cream.

Yesterday the baby was sick, runny nose and all. Once I answered the phone, took a message, and when I found him he had opened the prescription toothpaste and dribbled it down the living room couch onto the floor. Thank heavens for microfiber. Another time I took a phone call (should have learned my lesson) and walked into the kitchen to find #5 standing on the counter, licking his fingers as he scraped the frosting off a donut in the off-limits corner. I had already told him several times not to get on the counter.
The snowstorm created an outlet as well as freezing hands, fights over snowmen, crying babies and a delayed return home. My MIL brought over some new toys for them to play with...which was great until they fought over those, too.

About an hour before the expected return time, I announced that it was time to start cleaning up. The boys had thrown cars of all sizes around the living room and down the stairs. To my announcement, #2 replied "No." And my eyes burned a hole through his body.

Well, I wish.

When the parents returned home, mom asked #5 if I had been nice to them. I scoffed inwardly. She never even asked if they had been nice to me.

And now I remember why I always hated babysitting growing up. Sure, I could handle my seven younger siblings. Neighbors assumed that I was a natural. And I was, if you consider an I-can-handle-any-crisis-your-kid-can-dish personality "natural." But I never had the real skills - or the desire - to watch anyone else's kids.

So I told my husband last night that 1--I don't ever want to have children (that was a lie, yes) and 2--if he dies before our children are grown, I will find me another man without a second thought. And then leave him at home while I go to law school.
(Well, I just added that last part.)

Man, do I miss my man.