I've written about 20 posts in my head over the last 10 days. We didn't have internet for a week (backyard trees trimmed ... long story) but even if we had, I don't know what I would have actually posted. Everything I want to write sounds trivial when I can't stop thinking about the death of my friends' little boy Tacen. Their story could so easily have been mine.
We were all good friends in high school; Kelsie is one of those people who lights up a room when she walks in it. I was always a little envious of her good looks and mad dancing skills - not to mention her happy personality!
She and Cade got married a month before Slice and I did, and they had Tacen a month after I had Liam. I sort of felt like we were in this together. We had our second babies only months apart. Then, in a week, their lives changed forever.
I try to imagine what my life would be like without Liam, and it hurts just thinking about it. After all the services and well-wishes are long gone, Kelsie will still have to live every day without her precious boy. There will be years and years to come without Tacen around, until we all meet again. It seems like such a long time.
I'll remember Tacen every day when I look at my Liam, when I hold him and kiss his cheeks and watch his stubby fingers lengthen and his little body stretch out, when he gets old enough and big enough that I can't hold him anymore. I'll remember Tacen on the days when I get so frustrated I want to sell one or both of my children to the highest bidder.
And I'll remember what a precious gift it is to be a mother, to have these little spirits in my home teaching me self-sacrifice, patience and love. I'll remember how short the time is that I have with them, and maybe remembering will help me to make the most of it.